Growing up Queer in a conservative society

Growing up in a conservative society is difficult in itself. When you add the queer part, things go south really fast. From an early age, we are taught to see the world in black and white and right and wrong. If you didn’t fit in with society’s definition of normal, you were shunned and ostracized for being different. This applied to higher education as well. Becoming a doctor, lawyer, an engineer was celebrated while considering a job in writing, acting (if you were not a legacy), or even in music was frowned upon. Parents put so much pressure on children to study well and get good grades that they would sometimes ignore the creative potential.
Being a queer person in such a situation added to my complications. I didn’t fit in with the boys nor with the girls and was bullied by both sides. The girls called me “weird” as I was a tomboy who refused to play with dolls. The boys teased me because I was not as strong as them. Overall, I was fine by myself most of the time. I didn’t know why boys got to play football or learn how to fix electronics and why girls had to be delicate and learn to cook.
Hiding my queerness because it was wrong to be different and to stand out, played a major part in distorting my view of my life. I was picked on for not finding love at the right age, for dressing differently, for hiding who I truly am, and not admitting the truth. I didn’t see the need to publicize my sexuality for it to turn around and backfire with devastating consequences.
I was afraid that my parents would hate me, I would be kicked out and my parents would be shamed. This was the time that I didn’t have any information about my sexuality or any idea that the term I was looking for was “queer”. I always knew I was different but I didn’t know what the difference was.
Hiding such a big part of me made me vulnerable to a lot of self — harming behaviors. I became rebellious, started self — harm, and began to be consumed by the weight of my emotions. Suicide always felt like the answer that I was looking for. At this time, I found a very supportive friend circle. These friends of mine pulled me out from my darkest cave and brought me into the light.
These are the people that I owe my life to. They supported me when no one else did. They were there for me no matter how far away I pushed them. They were always there to help me when the demons in my head told me that suicide was the only way out. They have been there and, in some way, or another we have all helped each other grow and be better individuals in our own lives.
The most difficult part of growing up queer is admitting to yourself that you are queer and it’s not a bad thing. Being different is not something to be ashamed of and when you realize that, the dark cloud covering your eyes is lifted and you see the world in all its radiant beauty. You realize that every decision you have ever made finally makes sense. You feel that the weight on your chest is lifted and you can breathe for the very first time.
Don’t get me wrong, living in a conservative town and in a society where anything except a straight line is considered abnormal, there are days when you feel overwhelmed. There is still your family’s reputation not only to uphold but also to advance. Your family may not be as accepting as you hope and that’s ok. You might want to save your family from ridicule so you downplay your queerness but sometimes when you least expect it, your rainbow shows and it’s beautiful.
It’s been a dream of mine to live in a society that accepts me for who I am and not who I appear to be. I long for the day when the person you love is just that — the person you love. There is no stigma to being queer. Where there’s no ridicule or backlash for who you love. There is a long way to go. As the famous Chinese proverb goes, “The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” Take the first step to accept who you truly are and everything else will fall into place.

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